Feeling very alone

I sent my nmother an email. Just giving me current one. It didnt bounce back, so I sent one with my contact information (now for sure she knows I am in CO near her). I also found out her oldest (full) brother died in Feb. There is no obituary which is typical of them. That is why I emailed her, I feel even more that she lied about being terminally ill.I am thinking I need another road trip. I am slipping into depression again. I am pushing people away. W (who I have been seeing since Feb) tries to not push to understand and thinks its him. I just cannot lower that wall. My ndad has noticed I am withdrawing again. Brie says I need to think she is dead and "get over it". I am happy she is here, its been a transition but not bad considering. Its much healthier for her here. I don't know. Its really hard knowing I have family here that doesnt know I am here. Ndad's brother and he are on the outs, his bro was pretending to be working for the company (he retired) and charge a lot to the company. Ndad is considering criminal charges. It hurts him because he always looked out for N. My one sis S (ndad adopted her when he married her mother, wife #2) has decided we are now sisters (took her seven years) and has been really nice. Its hard cause she calls ndad Dad because its how she always has. Its also hard when they talk about all the times they shared. I dont think the pain ever goes away, we just get new ones.