Vacation Time

For a change a happy post....lol After a week of stress, involving my expired drivers license and getting that sorted out, we are leaving Sat for our trip. Its an 11 day interisland cruise and we get home on 2 Jan. I cant wait!!!!!! No cooking or cleaning. No driving up and down the road from hell. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Have a safe and happy holiday season everyone!

Blah

Its that time of year... Bday around the corner, followed by my "got" day and Christmas. Bdays were hard enough before I found my nmother, but now its gotten worse. This will be third "found" bday. Nmother didnt remember my bday when I first contacted her. She was pretty drugged out when I was born and I think she tried to forget the whole thing. She did tell me that after I "died", all Christmases were ruined for her. Thanks. I waited all day the first bday after I found her. No call, no email, nada. She called about a week later and didnt even mention that my bday had passed. In an earlier conversation she had said she was "bad" about remembering dates, but still. The second year I was definately more realistic (but of course deep down hoping for a call or email). So now this week I will be waiting for the phone to ring, in vain.

Weather Woes

Yeah I know, you are thinking... You live in Hawaii so quite yer bitchin. Since this is my blog I will bitch anyway. We have been having lots of rain and pretty much icky weather for the past 10 days. Lets start with last week Wednesday.....
It starts pouring, so that means my satellite internet wont work, TV dish wont work and radio wont come in. Instead of doing much needed housework, I head down the "road" to hang out at the used bookstore. Get involved in a great debate about the Super Ferry here and about the greenhouses found on the moon (not making that one up...lol). The "gentleman" also started talking about the pyramids on Mars. Ummmkay. I finally notice the totally flooded highway (all two lanes of it) and the lightning going off. The three minute drive to pick C up from school ends up taking about 20 minutes. The kids are inside the cafeteria (dont want them to get hit by lightning). C is escorted to the car and starts naming all the kids who were crying about the thunder. I finally get to B's school (another short drive) about 15 minutes later. The storm is getting more intense. So we head home. The normally 10 minute drive to the turn off takes about 25 minutes. Ugh. Then we head up the "road". The road is one lane, partially paved and bad on a good day. As I head up, the lightning and thunder intensify. The main highway is at about 1800 feet, my house is at about 2800' elevation. Hubby calls while I am trying to see through the rain and can hear the thunder through the phone. As I get closer to home (and the unpaved last mile) it gets spooky. I can imagine a tree getting struck and falling on the car. In the open areas, I imagine the car getting hit. Yes I am a wuss! Once we hit the "driveway" the worst part of the ride home, guess what hubby asks? "Can you cover my tractor when you get home". Yeah, hell no. Once we scramble from the car into the house, all hell breaks loose. I grew up in the Southwest. I have been through many desert storms, in the 18 years I have lived in Hawaii, I have never been through one like this. The scary stuff lasts over an hour and a half. Due to flooded roads, a lot of kids were stuck at the schools til 5-6:00. The buses couldnt get through. Several homes and businesses were damaged in Kealakekua and Napoopoo. I spoke with dh cousin over the weekend. She is 76 and had never experienced a storm like that, and she was really scared by it all. The rest of last week was mostly rain and clouds. Not good when you live on solar power.
Now onto this past Wednesday. High wind warnings and flash flood warnings. Sigh. I kept the girls home on Wed, mainly worried about the high winds closing the only road there is. We sat on the back porch and watched the 100' tall trees sway and creak. The top of an Eucalyptus broke off. A few smaller branches were snapped of some trees too. We got at least 5' of rain (the gauge only holds 5'). Thursday, one look at the driveway and there is no way I am going to drive down to take the girls to school. Hubby stays home and starts scraping the mud off the driveway to make it semi passable. We slid down the hill to get some groceries.
Today was another fun drive down. The mud is two feet deep in places very scary when you are going downhill. I parked the car at the bottom of the drive way (a quarter mile) and slogged uphill. Slippers (aka flipflops on the Mainland) are not meant for this. Mauna Kea and Mauna Loa are under blizzard warnings....oooo fun. More high winds may occur and more rain. The price of paradise.......

Justifying my Existence..... Again

I did it again! Ndad was contacted by the daughter of his late step/adopted brother (L was his brother from ndad's step/adopted father's first marriage, ndad's mother and his step/adopted dad had a son also). Anyway now that its more confusing..... Ndad forwarded the email to me, he had told T "My daughter M blah blah does the genealogy". So I email T all about the genie I have done and guess what I do? I justify who I am. I had to tell her (via first email) that I was adopted and J was my ndad and that I had found him three years ago. Its like I have to keep explaining who I am and why I am researching this line. Do real people do this? Sure they would say I am X dau blah blah, but why did I have to mention the whole adoption crap? Ndad didnt email her with "M is my daughter who was adopted out at birth who found me three years ago and does the genealogy". It was plain old M is my daughter etc. I hate feeling like I have to explain who I am in connection with the research I am doing, or maybe more so explaining why I have only been working on this three years. I hate not being a real person.

Adoptee (non) Rights

I re-read "An Adopted Woman" by Katrina Maxtone-Graham over the weekend. She was a NY born adoptee who confronted her agency in 1973 and searched. Her book was published in 1983, the year I turned 18 and was "allowed" to search. I joined ALMA that year too. Her search was in the very beginnings in the adoptee rights movement. It is very sad to see how little progress has been made since then. Adoptees are still told they are "ungrateful" if they want to know their roots. We are also "lucky you werent aborted". The list goes on. Agencies, just like in 1973-1975 in the book mentioned, still wield the power over adoptees and natural parents. Its horrible that someone in an office can see the adoptees file and deny the adoptee basic human rights. Everyone, especially those not "touched by adoption", needs to be made aware of the total lack of compassion agencies, courts and the whole adoption industry has towards adoptees and their rights.

Thanksgiving Ramblings

I've always liked Thanksgiving. Not for the Pilgrim stuff (just think how history would be different if they had starved). I like the fact its more a guilt free holiday. To me its about food and being with people you like (note that I did not say family). With my afam, it was one of the few holidays where my aparents would stay sober til nightfall. I guess all the food helped keep them somewhat more coherent. My amother wasnt much of a cook, but she did put out a decent spread. I missed school the Wednesday before each Thanksgiving because I had to stay home and help prepare for the day. I had to polish the silver, iron the tableclothes etc. I didnt really mind because usually the household stayed peaceful for a few days. There was also the vain attempt of family bonding. This year, we stayed home. Usually we make the trek to the inlaws (a two hour drive) and celebrate with them. The crowd of friends and family is anywhere from 15 to 50 people. Its nice, but I am not a people person. I like small small small gatherings. The only holiday I have had a chance to celebrate with my ndad is Easter. His visit coincided with Easter and Brie's bday. We, of course, ended up having Easter Dinner with the inlaws. Ndad got to meet the whole family and we were stared at a lot....lol I have to say my inlaws are very accepting people. Ndad isnt my ndad he is just plain Mary's Dad to them. Anyways, I always look forward to Thanksgiving. Its a hard holiday for many and this year I became aware that this month is devoted to adoption awareness. If you read any of the junk out there, the emphasis again has not been about promoting adoption from foster care, but grabbing newborns or "orphans" from poor countries. I have read a few blogs and articles lately, and the entitlement oozing from the adoptors is sickening. The fear that Guatemala may stop adoptions to the US due is sad. Why wouldnt adoptors want legal and ethical adoption? Guatemala is notorious for corruption, but again no one is willing to admit that their adoption may have been unethical. One thing I am NOT thankful for.... adoption.

Health Scare

I had a bad health scare on Sunday. All is okay (after a bunch of tests) but one thing I was able to do, was give a medical history. Imagine if this had happened a few years ago when I knew nothing.... I went through three high risk pregnancies with no history (scary). Another thing adoptees are denied!

Failed adoption...oops Disrupted adoption

Yucky! Can't say failed adoption any more (when the aparents give back the kid) its now disruption. There are valid reason why this happens but this article is an example of one that does not have valid reason.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=492346&in_page_id=1879

Why do I do it??

Sometimes I wonder why I try and teach people about adoption reality. It gets me down so much. I then have to remind myself that I have helped defog a few people. One is M. M thought adoption was win-win for everyone. I explained the downside and M realized maybe his sister's depression and other issues were to blame on her having to give up her baby years ago (no I wont use the term place or relinquish, she was made to give up her baby). He just felt adoption was the answer to "her problem" and not the cause of her mental health woes. I have shown him #s etc on adoption and how unethical the industry is. I was able to talk with a few others and explain to them the lack of adoptee rights in this country. Yet for every person I help defog, they are in the minority. Why else would there be Adoption Awareness Month.

Oops

Well dammit I forgot to blog yesterday. Guess I failed Nablopomo. Oh well, I was having way to much fun doing lookups for people. Dork I know. Work at the bookstore is done for now. I had a great time. Housework and laundry paid the price....lol
I still need to add blog links but if you follow those links you will really have your eyes opened about the adoption industry and the lack of rights for adult adoptees.
No deep thoughts for today! Gotta get caught up at home.

Outing nmother

I have kept my promise not to tell anyone in nmom's (hey mine too) family about me. I keep from posting at the surname message boards and my online trees are password protected. Every now and then I get the urge to contact someone and tell them who I am. I dont do it but the temptation is there. I guess knowledge is power in this case because I know I can make contact but dont. Does that make sense? I know a few people who have outed their nmothers with success, and a few who did not have any success.
I am tempted to, to contact my nsibs from ndad's first marriage. K is only ten months younger than me, N is ten months younger than K. N was told about me by ndad when they had their one meeting. He has ndad's email addy but hasn't contacted ndad since. I don't pursue contacting them since they have so little interest in ndad. I guess I feel some loyalty. Maybe this is one situation I have control over too. K has a daughter about the same age as my youngest. It's just sad how adoption ruins so many.

Angst

Feeling angsty lately. Figured out why. The longer the time is between the last phone call from my nmom the more depressed I become. Sigh, the joy of living adoption. I had a post all nicely planned out today...not in the mood.

International Adoption

I grew up with international adoption (IA), both my asibs were adopted from Germany. Today I am really conflicted about IA and especially transracial adoption and adoptees (TRA). My asibs and I could "pass" as being biological children of our aparents. TRA dont have that luxury. Their status as a TRA is always there when they are out with their afams. I am conflicted though, I don't like the idea of children growing up in a orphanage. Before I started to post this, I made sure to get some numbers (someone posted a link in answer to my query). The statistics only go back to 1990, but they really stunned me. IA to me is a Catch 22. The more money the IA industry makes in a country, the more adoptions seem to happen.
Here is the link: http://travel.state.gov/family/adoption/stats/stats_451.html#

If you go to a lot of adoption forums, you will notice how active the Guatemala forums are. The Guat IA industry is rife with corruption. People adopting from Guat don't deny this but justify their adoptions saying it other agencies or lawyers who are corrupt but not theirs. Market value is supply and demand, as much as people hate to admit it, babies are now a commodity. Look at the numbers. Its staggering. In 1990 visas issued to "orphans" coming to the US from Guat was 257, by 2006 the number was 4,135. Astounding. IA adoption in 1990 total 7,093; 2006 total 20,679. What is going on? I dont have the numbers for US kids in foster care but I can imagine its quite high. Do I have a a solution? No. I am still trying to get over these numbers. Just in 2000, the number from Guat was 1,518; look at the increase in six years alone.
I don't get it, I don't understand it and I don't like it.

NaBloPoMo

No I didnt sneeze. NaBloPoMo stands for National Blog Posting Month. I had seen NaBloPoMo mentioned elsewhere but was afraid to ask what the heck it stood for. So now being the well behaved person I am, I am going to post every day. So November is chock full of fun with NaBloPoMo and of course Adoption Bewareness Month.
Maybe I should start today out with stupid comments/questions I have heard.
Growing up:
You dont look adopted.
Why didnt your real mother want you?
Who do you look like?
What are you?
You are so lucky to be adopted!
You should be grateful someone took you in.

While I was searching:
Do your parents know?
Did you ask your parents if you can look?
You are opening a can of worms.
Why would you want to find her?
Do you know if you have a father?

After I found:
Why did you intrude on her privacy?
Does she know who your father was?
Arent you lucky that they want to talk to you.
Why do you still want to talk to them, they told you what you needed to know.

I'm sure I can recall more. I wish the real people out there would think before they speak!

Adoption Be-wareness Month

Check the bloggers I have linked to learn more. I dont have anything really brilliant to add. Just dont buy into the sunshine and puppy dog stories about adoption put out there by the media. I still have blogs to add so stand by.

What is Rejection???

Business is slow, so I have been wallowing in somewhat deep thoughts. What is rejection? Am I rejected since my nmother cant/wont tell anyone about me. I have sporadic phone calls from her, so I guess I am not totally rejected. Is being ignored (as in never responding to emails) rejection? I feel rejected. I know other adoptees and a few nmothers who had total outright harsh rejection. I guess there are varying levels of rejection. My middle dd B who is 11 feels rejected by my nmom. She makes comments about how her grandmother doesnt want to know her, and she has cousins she will never know. Thats the hardest part. B even asked if S was happy I was alive, I didnt tell her about THAT conversation with S. I searched to answer questions knowing I could be hurt/rejected. I didnt expect my kids to feel that way. Ed doesnt say much about S, he's happy about my ndad wanting and being a grandfather to them. Every now and then he will ask about if I have heard from S. It makes him more angry than sad (a guy thing maybe?). When he sees me working on the family tree, he says I shouldnt bother since we will never get to know S side. Then I wonder about C, she's six now, so pretty much she has lived through and with my search and reunion. As she gets older, will she be like her sister and feel rejected? Or is she going to accept things as its just the way it is. Hindsight, as they say, is 20/20. If S had told me in the first call, that there was no way she could or would tell anyone about me, I would have not been so excited and pass the excitement onto my kids. A few of you know what I mean. First contact (when its positive of course) is a total high. I was floating for two days. Then I got worried as I didnt get an email or a call. It still gets me depressed when I think about the huge extended family I am missing out on (hey they are missing out too). When my ndad was here he referred to S as my mother, after a bit he realized that I refer to her as S. So he picked up on that and started calling her by name. I guess calling her S is a way to protect myself.

Morons

Well I am enjoying another day at the bookstore. Its offset though by the fact some asshole(s) decided to play arsonist. Currently there are several brush fires burning north of us. People are now being required to evacuate. Most people dont think of Hawaii having a drought, but this part of the island has been under a severe drought for probably a year. We wont have the catastrophe of Southern California, but its still sad that such jerks have to ruin things for others. I just had to show a tourist where the roads are closed so she can avoid getting stuck in that area. To top things off, my 11 yo dd managed to slam her finger in a door at her cousins. The smashed it big time, and the door frame sliced right across the finger pad (ouch). She was so upset (refused to ice it) that hubby had to pick her up. I havent dared call home to see how she is, hubby cannot handle this kind of stuff at all. Well back to "work".

My Favorite Place

I'm at one of my favorite places, its not home, or the beach, its The Bookstore. Its a small used (and a few new) bookstore. I will be "working" here for the next two weeks. In the same two story building we have a video rental place, a pet store, upstairs is a reggae music place and one of Dog the Bounty Hunter's office (we get a lot of folks who take pics of his sign, and no I dont ever see him). I've been a customer here for a few years and then I offered to help out when the owner was going on vacation and couldnt find anyone to help. Its great, before C started school she could hang out all day with books. The older two kids love it here too. I have always loved books, bookstores and libraries. My afam thought I was odd because I would rather read than do most anything else. During the long hot Arizona summers, my aparents would drop me off a few days a week at the library. I would bring a lunch and stay all day. My aparents didnt restrict my library card to "kids only" books. In school, my favorite place was the library. I have lots of books at home, I collect cookbooks and of course have my "adoption issue" library. My kids have my love of reading (hubby isnt a reader, opposites do attract I guess). My 11 yo dd's nickname last year was Reader Girl. When I found my nmother, one of her first questions was about hobbies. Her favorite=reading. It was so great to know that I got her love of reading and in turn passed it on to my children. So for the next two weeks I will be breathing in the smell of books and enjoying myself. Books, the internet what more could I ask for?

Back into the Fog

My internet was down for a week. From Friday to Friday. It was interesting. I couldnt access my adoptee sites, blogs etc. A forced break from how awful adoption is. I could feel myself slipping back into the fog, even thinking "happy adoption" thoughts. How easy it is to distance yourself from the reality of the pain adoption causes, how much pain the adoptees still searching are going through, the pain of the rejected or ingnored adoptees, the lack of support from the general public and our own significant others. A week of being blissfully ignorant of the current adoption legislation, which for the most part denies adoptees basic human rights. It was easy to see why so many adoptees are still in the fog. It hurts and doesnt go away once we confront the reality that is adoption. Sometimes I miss the fog............

Funeral Part Two

Well after reading my previous post, I dont think I should blog after a funeral and especially after a funeral and a few glasses of wine....lol
Anyway, Bill and I hadnt planned on attending the burial of his cousin's ashes. We ended upgoing and I am so glad we did. The "ceremony" (cant think of a good word for it) was even more moving than the funeral the day before. Bill and I got up to the burial site early, to help arrange the flowers around the grave and decorate the table that the ashes would rest on before being poured into a lauhala basket (woven by a family friend). Around noon, the horses and riders arrived. There were 29 horses with 28 riders, the riderless horse carried the ashes. Charlotte's father explained the history of the site (a cliff over looking a beautiful valley) and how special the place was to his daughter. Several people spoke, then Charlotte's daughter poured her mother's ashes in to the basket, it was then covered. People threw flowers, lei etc in the grave. It was then filled with dirt and covered with the sod that had been removed. A stone from the beach area was placed on it as a marker. More flowers and lei were placed. It was amazing the amount of flowers. We all then toasted to Charlotte and headed to the mountain house for food and company. Charlotte's father told the riders to make a "thundering noise" and gallop past the house when they arrived. It was quite a site seeing the horses come by. All in all a very moving day.

Funerals

Today was hubby's cousin's funeral. It was a typical family event. There were about 500 people, the same you see at the baby parties, graduations and marriages. There is a consistancy here. The Lanakila church does the catering (a big fundraising for the church), the same entertainment and the same guests.
I dont recall any funerals growing up. I was told that when my adad's mother died I was alone with her for many hours. Her death created a huge rift between my adad and his father. The day before she died, she witnessed a terrible act of violence on my adad's part. My amother had loaded the kids up in the car and attempted to leave. Adad shot out the windshield. He then forced us to line up and hold still as he shot (live bullets) around us. Apparently, seeing this is what caused his mother to have a stroke. Many years later, I was 15 and confronted my aparents with this memory. They were stunned that I remembered this.
I have gone to many funerals now living here. Most are really "celebrations of life". There is some sadness but mostly hope that we will all meet again. Today was beautiful. There were several posters of Charlotte and her loved ones. Most of us laughed remembering the parties or events we had shared with her. Yes we were sad. But we were happy to have known her and had her in our lives. So tonight I say I fond Aloha to Charlotte. I will miss you but hope to see you again someday.

Other adoptees?

I was thinking that growing up, I only knew one other adoptee (if you dont count my asibs). My HS class had about 325 people. There should have been several of "us". When I moved to Hawaii, it seemed I found a lot of adoptees. Most of those I met were "Hanai" usually an informal infamily adoption. The adoptees I count here are at least 8. I didnt know any nmoms in AZ. I know one here. I wonder if I had classmates who were ashamed to admit they were adopted or just didnt know. Its scary thought either way. Maybe I will make it to my 30 year reunion and pose the question to the class. At least with online groups and communities we adoptees arent as isolated as we were. I think society wants us quiet so we dont rock the adoption boat. Too late.

I'm Cranky and Pissed

First of all, my dds gave me a cold. I dont handle cold medicine well so I am groggy. My inlaws are coming today, the house is a wreck (well thats normal...lol) and I was supposed to help with the food prep for the funeral. ARG.
I got to rehash my lovely how I got to be adopted story with dh cousin. She was, like everyone else shocked.
Why and I pissed???? Well the asshole doctor, ministers (they helped fine my insane apes), lawyer and evil grandma are all dead. I did some research on Dr Joe, turns out his brother ws a family court lawyer across the border in NM. Can you say racket? I cant prove anything because the medical records were destroyed after ten years (pricks). The lawyer made everything legal on paper. Nmom would love to see the papers she "signed" she is pretty sure her mother signed them or she was so doped up she didnt know what she was doing. One of the asshole ministers was even my godfather and good buddy of Dr Joes. He was there everytime my nmom had an appt. I almost forgot the evil nurse in the docs office who would call amom after every appt with an update. She is still alive. I would LOVE to confront her, she is elderly and I am not quite that mean (just knowing where she is helps). My abro was best buddies with her son and he is the only one abro stayed in contact with when we left TX for AZ. Abro now knows what happened and I havent heard from him since. He remarried and his life is all about his wife. He is 12 years older so we werent close, but asis is still hurt by his actions or lack thereof. Nmom had two calls with her mother. One where she told Evil Grandma she knew the truth (yeah deserved it for being a whore, BITCH) and the last call right before Evil Grandma died where Evil woman asked for forgiveness. Nmom said she said she forgave her but didnt mean it. She didnt want to be mean to a woman on her death bed. Just like my last call with psycho amom. I am probably repeating myself but blame the damn cold medicine. I can now get my OBC from Texas since I know both nparents names, but ndad wont be on it. During that era, unless the nmom was married, the father was left off. Less paperwork. I want my relinquishment papers. The judge in EL Paso is a no open records guy. I guess if I was dieing it would be okay with him. Cant wait til he bites it. I so wish I could "out" Dr Joe for being a baby seller but hey, in the community he is/was a saint. I only know his name because my afather's mother wrote it in my baby book. Nmom was very hard to understand when she said his last name. I have found several ancestors who qualify me for DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) but cant join cause I am a bastard. Wonder if they accept DNA....lol Pardon the spelling errors and rant but Saturday is the cousin's funeral and it will be hard on everyone. Not to mention my friggin cold. BLAH

adoption cures infertility

Adoption as a cure for infertility. Yeah right! I was thinking about this from another blog. I heard a lot of comments growing up. People would ask if all of us were adopted or if aparents had any real kids. Thanks, asshole. "Did you HAVE to adopt?" Many comments were made as if we kids couldnt hear them. "Where did you get them?" Like we were stray puppies found on the street. My amother even commented she was glad that they couldnt have "real" kids because of the mental health issues. When I went to Denver to visit ndad, nbro's wife even had her comment. She had just had their first baby in Aug. She told me she was so worried she couldnt get pregnant and that they would HAVE to adopt. Sigh. Adoption is very rarely first choice, just look at all the infertility treatments/clinics. The three of us certainly didnt fix our aparents issue. Adad even fathered at least one child while married to amom. I wonder if his REAL kid will show up looking for him. I watched a show the other day where the woman commented on how many years of trying, surgeries etc to get pregnant. After four years, she and her husband "decided" to adopt. Their little boy was the solution to their problem. Imagine how he will feel when he hears about all the heartache while his aparents tried to conceive, and then they decided to adopt. Adoption=second choice

Your poor mother

That tends to be the first response when I tell the whole adoption story. I grew up with the traditional mom too young to raise you story. Imagine my surprise to find out she had planned to raise me but her mother and doctor told her I died and had me adopted out. Money is such a wonderful thing. 99% of the time I get the "your poor mother". Well, you know, poor me too. Its a lousy feeling to find out your own grandmother sold you off, lied to her own daughter and had NO REGRETS. How evil can you be????? Even though I had cut contact with my aparents many years before I was so tempted to call my amother and tell her I found the truth out. She knew some of what happened. I wanted to rub it in her face, but I held back. She was terminally ill and I knew my asis would never forgive me for it. Plus, I am not really a mean person. Now I have to deal with my nmother's lack of contact, rules etc. I HATE being a secret. I understand her reasons but does it make it better? NO. She has also said very hurtful things "It was easier believing you were dead than finding out you were alive". "I dont have any mothers love for you, that died a long time ago". Um thanks. At least you are going to sugar coat it and lead me on. Yes there is always a bright side. I also get comments about, well your story isnt NORMAL. Oh really, adoption is? Removing a child from his/her mother is normal? Then I get the you are one of those "antiadoption people". Well I am ANTI MY ADOPTION yes! I realize that foster kids removed due to neglect and abuse need homes. I wasnt one of those so stop using that as an example to show how great adoption is. Evil grandma died two years ago, I think we can all figure out where she and evil doctor are now.

Sigh

"Is Charlotte still dead" my almost six year old dd asked me yesterday. "Yes". Its so hard to explain death to young kids. Her cousin was killed early Sunday in a car accident. It was easier to explain her great grandmother's death due to age than this senseless death. All week she has been watching Charlotte's Web too. Next week Saturday will be the funeral so hopefully Caitlin will be more accepting of this sad situation. My other daughter is upset as this is a trigger for her. The family lost two small cousins five years ago. Brie was only six when it happened. For a long time she was afraid her sister would get run over (the girls were run over by their mother's truck in a freak accident). Brie has been moody and grumpy all week. Yuck!

Phone call

I'm not much of a phone talker. Ndad is. He calls when he is on the road going home from job sites. It makes sense and the time usually works well with me. I am not one to discuss emotions (well online etc but not IRL). He has been having a tough time with his business. My half bro P was his main sales guy but he walked out a few weeks ago. Its a good thing as the two had different approaches to business and there was a lot of conflict. We talked a bit about P who I had always wondered about how he really felt about me "popping up". His wife J had made a few comments about how she thought she would have the "first" grandkids. Hmmm P has an older sister (same mom, different dad) with two kids. Did they not count? I guess my kids were a threat to being first. Ndad, P and J are all very competitive Type A personalities. P and J would argue about who was best at diaper changing etc while I was visiting. We sorta hung out but I just didnt feel a real connection to them. I did like P's older sis though, she is a lot like my asis in looks and personality I guess. Ndad didnt come out and say it but it sounds like P wanted us to have a paternity test (guess the fact I look just like our dad doesnt count?). Whatever comment P said or has said, ndad told me to just ignore P because I was in his life now and P just has to deal with it. I think maybe P was upset because I really got on well with ndad's wife M. I really think she is a great person, fun and person I would pick for a friend. KWIM? It's taken him over nine years to accept M. I do understand somewhat since ndad has made some really bad relationship choices over the years and P had to deal with all that drama. It did make me feel good in a way that ndad shot down the issue of paternity (I would have done the DNA test). I hope ndad doesnt stress out too much cleaning up the mess P made of the business. Ndad had some serious health issues so P helped but didnt know when to hand back control over the company to ndad. Ndad is also worried that P is using cocaine or something similar. He had been more and more paranoid and several people have told ndad the same concerns. If so, P is going down that road ndad was on for so many wasted years. Do we learn from our parents mistakes??????

Names, family history and being real

Like the majority of adoptees, I had no idea as the my ethnicity. My afather was mostly German, my amother full Irish and both my asibs were adopted from Germany. Me, born in Texas. When I was about 8, I demanded to see my adoption papers, all that there was (unlike asibs) was my adoption decree. Infant Atwell, my real name. Through the years of not knowing more, I clung to this name knowing at least it was English and I had some ethnic identity. I am a history buff and resented not knowing where my ancestors were in history. My amother would hint at various things (like when the miniseries Holocaust was on that it would be neat to be Jewish, WTF? have your people eradicated?). My abro told my my ndad was Mexican????? My afather was a total racist so either possibility was insane.
During my search, when I finally got back online, I had the list narrowed down to seven possibles. I didnt know nmom's age so it was harder. As I started to make trees on each woman, one name sounding very Jewish popped out (her mother's line). AHA. I really began to suspect there was some truth in amother's hints. As I began to call and eliminate possibilities, I finally connected with S, my nmom.
As we talked she told me that Atwell wasnt really the family surname. I was stunned! Over 30 years of fantasizing about a name and I was wrong?????? The name was almost pronounced the same but spelled O***. She didnt know much about the history but gave a few names (grgrandparents etc). Right away I jumped into researching and found a great deal posted on the O*** line, including a book about the family back to 1600s! Cool!
I then began to research my maternal grandmother's line (the one with the Jewish sounding names). I was way off on one name, they were Quakers when they came over and this line was well documented too. There were even pictures of family including my gr-gr-grandmother, the resemblance to me is unreal. It creeps out the family...lol On to the other maternal line. The G line is not as well researched or documented but I found postings looking for family with that name missing from the Holocaust!!!!!!!! WOW. My G line came over in the late 1700s but is connected somehow with the ones who stayed in Germany. I was so excited to learn so much history and its an ongoing process.
After contacting ndad (this may be a repeat from earlier posts) he told me he had been adopted by his stepfather and knew nothing on his ndad.ARG Life is not simple. I began to research the B**g name. I found a lot of information as that family didnt move for 200 years...lol
All research is still in progress. Genealogy research never really ends. I do research "collateral" lines (aunts, uncles, cousins etc) because you never know who may have pics and documents.
I also have a real sense of where my ancestors were in American history and roots. I also have my ethinicity restored! Yes, a lot of English as I had believed, but also Irish, Scottish, Dutch, German, French, Italian, Spanish and Creek. Knowing this has been wonderful but it should be everyone's birthright. No one should go through live wondering who looks back at them in the mirror. No one should have to beg for information about themselves. No one should have their original birth records sealed forever.
Being real, means having a history and roots.

Face to Face

March 2005. Time for the face to face. My MIL is wanting to have a huge welcoming party at the airport. The pressure from her is hard and comes through in my email. Bdad decides the first couple days should be at a hotel. We arrange to meet at a restaurant near his hotel. I am so flustered, I get lost. I finally get there and we meet. Its so weird looking at someone who looks like me. After a bit, we decide to head to the beach house where the kids and inlaws are waiting. When we get there, my middle dd age 9 just stares. We head up to the house and talk some more and head out to dinner. We have a great time. He tells me more about his not so perfect past and that he is out of remission for prostate cancer. I get introduced as his daughter to people for the first time.
Time goes by. Less calls from bmom, regular contact with bdad and aunt L.
Plans are made to visit him in CO. I cant afford airfare for everyone, so my youngest (almost 4) and I fly standby to CO.
What a great time! I meet M, bdad's wife (a wonderful woman). My half brother and his wife and new baby. Its just a wonderful time. No weirdness. M and I head to the library. We find HS pics of bmom and all but one of her siblings. Finally I see what she looks like!
Time has gone on... bdad is hoping to come out this winter. He has had more health woes and business has been hard.
Would I search again? YES. Was it a perfect experience? NO. There were and are very painful times. Do I think adoption is great? NO. The adoption industry needs to be reformed.
Intro over.

Introduction, Part 3

The Letter is mailed. I am sending it certified mail also. It is scheduled to arrive on Friday. I am still very upset by my bmom's change of heart. I continue to obsess about genealogy. I chat for hours a day. I read about bmoms.
Saturday 6am, I check my email hoping to hear from bmom. Not expecting THIS. An email from him "Glad to hear from you". Everyone else is sleeping. I am almost jumping up and down. I read the email (a few times). Print it and forward a copy to my FIL. He has included his phone # saying I can call anytime (I hadnt included mine). He, like bmom, is brutally honest about his past and troubles. I am so flustered when I email back. He replies that he doesnt understand why I couldnt open the pictures he had attached. DUH! I was so stunned I didnt realize that he had sent pics too. I open the pics and WOW, I look just like him. He has included a pic of him with his brother and one with him and his son.
Bmom still hasnt sent pictures at this point so this is super exciting. I forward pics to asis and FIL. I also email bmom that he has responded in a positive way.
Monday..... Bmom calls mainly to hear about bdad's response (I kept the email brief, yes I was trying to lure her into calling).
I email bdad a lot... He emails to assure me he isnt going anywhere. I guess my insecurity came through. After two weeks of email I decided to call. The call goes well (a couple hours) so we schedule a time to call the next day (there is a four hour time difference). Its another long call. Time progresses. Bmom doesnt email or call. I email her weekly with genealogy updates etc. She finally calls and asks that I forward her email to bdad. ACK. He emails her (I didnt see it) an email apologizing for the past. She CALLS HIM. For the first time in 38 years they talk. It goes well. She calls right after talking to him. She is almost giddy.
Bdad tells his only living (known) relative from his mother's side (her sister) about me finding him (via email). L emails me shortly after and tells me that she had tried to find me in the early 1970s but didnt know how. Her daughter is also a bmom in a semi-open adoption. She is very kind and tells me what she knows about the family. She sends short emails with a bio of a family member. Bdad had also told me in the first email he was adopted by his stepfather and he had adopted his own stepdaughter. Bdad is the triad.
I go into full genealogy obsession mode. Bmom's calls are less and less frequent. My bday passes (six months to the day of finding her) with no call. Emails arent answered. I cling to the positive of my reunion with bdad. Bdad makes plans to come in March (nine months after first contact, ironic).

Introduction, Part 2

The next day was a Sunday. The kids were at a rodeo and we were going to pick them up. I was walking around the grounds and several people were congratulating me. I was confused. Finally someone said "didnt you find your real family?" My MIL as soon as she heard the knews had pretty much announced the news to the whole rodeo crowd. When we got home, I started gathering pictures to send to bmom. I emailed her a note about how happy I was to find her and that I was getting a photo album made for her. During the week I checked my email constantly, and my phone was with me at all times. Silence. My inlaws would call and see if I had heard from her. I emailed her again to let her know I had sent the pics.
Friday... She finally calls. The picture album has arrived. She sounds irritated that I had sent it to her house, like where else I could send it? She has decided not to tell anyone about me. She doesnt want to "rock the boat". I am stunned and devastated. She has completely turned around about things. She continues with more comments "I can never give you a mother's love, it died a long time ago". As she tells me this I cry (silently) while my daughter naps. She looks at the pictures while we talk. She tells me that I look "big boned" and that my children look "healthy". She talks about her therapist and how she was told to set "boundaries" with me. I am really upset by the time we get off the phone. I go online when I get home with my chat group. Of course they all tell me to think of HER and how hard this is for HER. Nothing about how hard this must be for me.
I decide FINE. I will search for my bdad. I had done some looking and he wasnt hard to find. I continue to look for information/genealogy on my bmom's side, MY family. I find a picture of my gr gr grandmother online. She looks just like me! The picture creeps out my hubby and kids though.
I find info on my bdad and decide to compose THE LETTER. His bday is coming up so I want the letter to arrive on his bday. That way if he isnt happy about it, he wont forget, and if he is happy about it, well its his bday!

Introduction Part 1

I have been reading blogs for awhile, mostly those by fellow adoptees. I am amazed at how articulate they are and will attempt a blog for me. I do have a blog, but its my "happy" family blog and not adoption related. I used the term b here meaning bio (not in a bad way) not birth. Its what I am comfortable with.

I was born Infant Atwell. The state of Texas, to make things harder, generally puts Infant instead of Baby Boy or Baby Girl. If there is more than one adoptee born on that day in a county it makes the search more difficult. I knew my birthname from about the age of 8 when I demanded that my aparents show me what info they had. There was only an adoption decree. Unlike my two asibs from Germany, they had it ALL. OBC, etc. During the years of pestering my amother, she told my my bmom's name S. I finally had a name.

I joined ALMA at 18 and started actively searching. I found an S Atwell who had married in TX. I wrote to the woman of the same name and sadly she wasnt my bmom. She was very kind and I still have her letter. I spent years chasing an Atwell family that had lived in El Paso (where I was born). After off and on searching I finally got reconnected to the internet in April 2004. I set a goal of July 1 2004, if I didnt find her by then I would hire someone. I also found on the birthbooks S's middle initial E. That allowed me to narrown down my search. I had a list of seven possible matches. Two were very similar (same siblings names etc, freaky). I called one in MO's brother who said he would pass my message along. I called another's bro in AZ who told me his sister's married name (I told him I was following up on genealogy postings) and where she lived. I called this one right away and got a recording. Just hearing the voice, I knew it was HER. I called back a few hours later (ready to barf) and she answered. I said my name and that I was born in El Paso and when. I said my information made me believe she was my birthmother and asked if she was. She said yes and asked for my number to call back. That was the longest five minutes. She had changed to her cell phone and gone into another room.

Her story came tumbling out. She said "I was going to keep you. I moved to El Paso to get away from my family. I went into the hospital to have you and when I woke up, the doctor said I had a baby boy who died". WHOA. She went on about Dr Joe, her care and how she tried to see "the body". She then asked me if I wanted to know "who your daddy is". I didnt expect this in the first conversation. She told me his name, where he had graduated school. She said she had wanted to marry him. When she went to his house after telling him she was pregnant, his mother said he had left town. She told me about her terrible childhood, about her two children (all this while careful not to name names) and that she had planned to name me Mary Estelle (I am named Mary Beth). The conversation lasted about an hour and I tried to take notes. I was totally blown away. Twenty years of searching (if you count from when I was 18) over. My husband who was mowing the lawn kept creeping over to make sure I was okay. I was stunned and on that "high". First person I called was my asis, then my fatherinlaw. That was 12 June 2004. Noon.