Life goes on

I survived Mothers Day. I managed to badly cut my thumb making food. Went to my ndad's then to the cemetary where his mother and her husband are. I had mixed feelings, besides being in pain, this was the grandmother who told my mother to go to hell. Her husband Norman was truly a father to my ndad, I wish I could have met him. My emotions were all over the place all day. Knowing my nmother was a short drive away didnt help.
Last weekend was ndad's company event at Elitch Gardens (theme park). He and S, his stepdaughter he adopted when he married her mother (second wife) have patched things up. She and I met briefly when I first came to Denver in Oct 2005. We didnt stay in touch and when things with Paul (our mutual half brother) blew up with ndad, she pretty much cut contact with ndad. She reached out a few months ago and they have talked, lunched and ndad has take her youngest son to golf (he is 12). S has sent me a few notes on fb, saying how happy she is I am here and how happy it makes Dad. So, S is at the picnic with her oldest son (almost 22)and is the first person to greet me.She introduces me to him and his gf as her sister and Caitlin as her niece and his cousin. Its a complete turnaround from the last time we met. It was all "Dad" this and that. I realize it must be hard for her to be the adopted one and me the "real" one. She knew most everyone there compared to me. She made sure to get pics of us with ndad together. She posted on fb the pics me, dad and my sister Mary. Its really sad the "adopted" one is more forthcoming then my "real" sister K. I know she has been to Denver to visit her grandmother but made no attempt to see us.
TOday is the seven year anniversary of my first contact with nmother. It sucks.
on the nonadopted front, I have a great job and C is doing well and B is moving here! Oh and my divorce was final in April,

So close and yet so far

Ndad's wife and I went up to Loveland (near Ft Collins) last weekend with Caitlin and her friend Jasmin. We were talking so much we missed the turn and ended up in Wyoming. After shopping etc we did the drive by of my nmother's house. It looked just like it did on google earth. She was home, cars there and curtains drawn. So close. I didnt expect to see her, had hopes to of course. I made light of it all but it hurt bad. She doesnt know I have moved here. I wish she did and I wish she wanted to get to know me. Today was my oldest girl's bday. It hurts to be so far from her (she chose to stay in Hawaii). I feel like I am an abandoner.

The first time ever I saw your face.....

Seeing a bfam members face for the first time is huge. Its a defining moment very few can understand. After over six years of searching and being careful, I found a pic posted last year of my nfather's nfather. I was amazed. The resemblance is stunning. I emailed the pic right off to ndad and his wife. He was already crashed but she was so excited. He saw the pic this morning. It made his ndad a real person. I dont know if it sunk in yet or not. I'm excited for him and me. Another puzzle piece in place.

Update

Wow. I cant believe how long its been since I posted. I have left and moved with C to Denver. We are now living near my ndad. Divorce still isnt final (B's idiot lawyer didnt file paperwork til Dec., we had signed in Oct). I am FREE. I am also where I should be and where I should have always been. I havent seen much of any of my nfam (n-uncle wouldnt even say hello) yet. I am busy job hunting etc. Once I get that part of my life settled, I will reach out to more family.

Tired

I am getting very tired of the drama. B is dragging his heels and really thinks that this is not an issue for our youngest daughter C. C and I moved out due to the doings of his lawyer and mother. It is such a huge relief to be out. I dont know how long we can afford to stay here. D, my friend and B's cousin, has offered to let us stay with her. I just want to leave and be fair. The older kids are texting me at least. I have signed up for some parenting classes to help me with all this stress. But hey, I am losing weight....

Family Drama

As if adoptee drama isnt enough, I am getting divorced. After 18 years, B and I are splitting. I am over the initial upset and moving forward. I am going to relocate to CO and focus on spending time with MY family for once. Having so many members reject me now that there is a divorce proves once again that love is almost always conditional.

Long time no post

I had a wonderful time in CO last summer. Spending time there with my ndad made me realize how much I have missed out on. Since then, I havent been very good about contact with him. He has been worried about the pullback. I have also since met my nsis. We got along great, so much in common. I'm sad about that too. I could have found them 20 years earlier if I had been able to get my adoption records. Time lost. Years lost. Memories lost.