Anxiety

Is a horrible thing. I have it a lot when I drive. It limits where I go. C is trying hard to understand. He knows I can't just get over it. He knows about the abuse I went through going up, not in a lot of detail because I have blocked so much out. The sexual abuse started at a very early age. My amother told me later is was fault because I was "seductive". I don't think a child can be that way. I know much of it started around th age of two. My abro left home when I was five and later apologized for not staying and protecting me.My aps had no problem with a neighbor, GK, wanting to be around me. GK would come by and bring me pies (fruit pies, I rarely eat them to this day). He wanted to "date" me which my aps thought was fine. GK was also a dwarf. I am creeped out to this day about dwarves. One "date" he got to take me to the planetarium. Perfect place for a pedophile to take a girl (I was maybe 10). GK got a job as a chef at a country club, my friend's family was a member and they found out his past. He lost all contact with his kids because he was a convicted child molester (his own daughter). After that my aps felt that it was wrong for him to see me. They were willing to let it continue but were forced to not allow it by the other adults. A last violent episod with my afather was when I was 15. I tried to conform to all the rules (cleaning, reading and watching what they wanted). One night he got violent. I broke up the fight with he and my amother. He said would not hit someone with glasses on, so I took mine off. He went to hit me and I grabbed a belt and hit him. The buckle caught his face at the corner of his eye and ripped him. I told him if he ever touched me, I would kill him. They got scared and said I was a danger and asked their psychiatrist to have me committed. I met briefly with the doc and told him, since he knew aboutt he abuse and didn't report it, I would have his license. I had nearly perfect attendance, was active in church and was not the "bad" kid they could justify putting me away in the mental hospital. I have been asked when the anxiety developed. It has always been there. It hit when I had B, my oldest daughter. It was a difficult pregnancy (like all mine were), she was very sick at birth and I had to go back to work when she was just five weeks old (her dad was not working and we needed the health benefits). I used to be very independent about driving. The anxiety got worse and worse. Perhaps it was a post partum thing, I don't know. Now it is almost the third (if not third) year anniversary of my nmother dumping me. Maybe four years now. Either way, I am about 45 minutes from her. My girls aren't here anymore. Son is here but an issue. I had such high hopes for this year. All three kids here, an intact family. Blown to hell. I try to look at the plus on this but it is hard.