reality

It has hit me. I am close to where my nmother is and no contact. Why....

Being positive, the good things

I know I will still have bouts of depression. The facebook thingy that shows your posts from last year are interesting. It really shows how much I have gotten better. I looked over pics there too. I have moved on a great deal and am in a much better place then I was. I cannot believe I have been in CO eight months. I have settled in so well (so have the girls). I think I am finally allowing myself to be happy and more at peace. I know there are still going to be some rough times. I am still amazed at how things fell into place too, my apartment (great location, size, decent price), good job (totally supportive bosslady, paying me to get my insurance licenses, letting me take Caitlin to work, her family has been great too, great coworkers-part time but awesome), getting closer to my ndad and his wife, seeing W which has potential (two badly wounded people trying to work it out, in a limbo now that he may move to be near his kids, which I totally understand). Sometimes I need to stop and think of all the good things and not about all the other crap. A year ago, I was spending too much time in bed crying, :wino2: , having pity parties. Now I can still :wino2: but in a positive way. I almost forgot to mention, I met K, Joy and Jeni last year too!

Feeling very alone

I sent my nmother an email. Just giving me current one. It didnt bounce back, so I sent one with my contact information (now for sure she knows I am in CO near her). I also found out her oldest (full) brother died in Feb. There is no obituary which is typical of them. That is why I emailed her, I feel even more that she lied about being terminally ill.I am thinking I need another road trip. I am slipping into depression again. I am pushing people away. W (who I have been seeing since Feb) tries to not push to understand and thinks its him. I just cannot lower that wall. My ndad has noticed I am withdrawing again. Brie says I need to think she is dead and "get over it". I am happy she is here, its been a transition but not bad considering. Its much healthier for her here. I don't know. Its really hard knowing I have family here that doesnt know I am here. Ndad's brother and he are on the outs, his bro was pretending to be working for the company (he retired) and charge a lot to the company. Ndad is considering criminal charges. It hurts him because he always looked out for N. My one sis S (ndad adopted her when he married her mother, wife #2) has decided we are now sisters (took her seven years) and has been really nice. Its hard cause she calls ndad Dad because its how she always has. Its also hard when they talk about all the times they shared. I dont think the pain ever goes away, we just get new ones.

Life goes on

I survived Mothers Day. I managed to badly cut my thumb making food. Went to my ndad's then to the cemetary where his mother and her husband are. I had mixed feelings, besides being in pain, this was the grandmother who told my mother to go to hell. Her husband Norman was truly a father to my ndad, I wish I could have met him. My emotions were all over the place all day. Knowing my nmother was a short drive away didnt help.
Last weekend was ndad's company event at Elitch Gardens (theme park). He and S, his stepdaughter he adopted when he married her mother (second wife) have patched things up. She and I met briefly when I first came to Denver in Oct 2005. We didnt stay in touch and when things with Paul (our mutual half brother) blew up with ndad, she pretty much cut contact with ndad. She reached out a few months ago and they have talked, lunched and ndad has take her youngest son to golf (he is 12). S has sent me a few notes on fb, saying how happy she is I am here and how happy it makes Dad. So, S is at the picnic with her oldest son (almost 22)and is the first person to greet me.She introduces me to him and his gf as her sister and Caitlin as her niece and his cousin. Its a complete turnaround from the last time we met. It was all "Dad" this and that. I realize it must be hard for her to be the adopted one and me the "real" one. She knew most everyone there compared to me. She made sure to get pics of us with ndad together. She posted on fb the pics me, dad and my sister Mary. Its really sad the "adopted" one is more forthcoming then my "real" sister K. I know she has been to Denver to visit her grandmother but made no attempt to see us.
TOday is the seven year anniversary of my first contact with nmother. It sucks.
on the nonadopted front, I have a great job and C is doing well and B is moving here! Oh and my divorce was final in April,

So close and yet so far

Ndad's wife and I went up to Loveland (near Ft Collins) last weekend with Caitlin and her friend Jasmin. We were talking so much we missed the turn and ended up in Wyoming. After shopping etc we did the drive by of my nmother's house. It looked just like it did on google earth. She was home, cars there and curtains drawn. So close. I didnt expect to see her, had hopes to of course. I made light of it all but it hurt bad. She doesnt know I have moved here. I wish she did and I wish she wanted to get to know me. Today was my oldest girl's bday. It hurts to be so far from her (she chose to stay in Hawaii). I feel like I am an abandoner.

The first time ever I saw your face.....

Seeing a bfam members face for the first time is huge. Its a defining moment very few can understand. After over six years of searching and being careful, I found a pic posted last year of my nfather's nfather. I was amazed. The resemblance is stunning. I emailed the pic right off to ndad and his wife. He was already crashed but she was so excited. He saw the pic this morning. It made his ndad a real person. I dont know if it sunk in yet or not. I'm excited for him and me. Another puzzle piece in place.

Update

Wow. I cant believe how long its been since I posted. I have left and moved with C to Denver. We are now living near my ndad. Divorce still isnt final (B's idiot lawyer didnt file paperwork til Dec., we had signed in Oct). I am FREE. I am also where I should be and where I should have always been. I havent seen much of any of my nfam (n-uncle wouldnt even say hello) yet. I am busy job hunting etc. Once I get that part of my life settled, I will reach out to more family.