Anxiety

Is a horrible thing. I have it a lot when I drive. It limits where I go. C is trying hard to understand. He knows I can't just get over it. He knows about the abuse I went through going up, not in a lot of detail because I have blocked so much out. The sexual abuse started at a very early age. My amother told me later is was fault because I was "seductive". I don't think a child can be that way. I know much of it started around th age of two. My abro left home when I was five and later apologized for not staying and protecting me.My aps had no problem with a neighbor, GK, wanting to be around me. GK would come by and bring me pies (fruit pies, I rarely eat them to this day). He wanted to "date" me which my aps thought was fine. GK was also a dwarf. I am creeped out to this day about dwarves. One "date" he got to take me to the planetarium. Perfect place for a pedophile to take a girl (I was maybe 10). GK got a job as a chef at a country club, my friend's family was a member and they found out his past. He lost all contact with his kids because he was a convicted child molester (his own daughter). After that my aps felt that it was wrong for him to see me. They were willing to let it continue but were forced to not allow it by the other adults. A last violent episod with my afather was when I was 15. I tried to conform to all the rules (cleaning, reading and watching what they wanted). One night he got violent. I broke up the fight with he and my amother. He said would not hit someone with glasses on, so I took mine off. He went to hit me and I grabbed a belt and hit him. The buckle caught his face at the corner of his eye and ripped him. I told him if he ever touched me, I would kill him. They got scared and said I was a danger and asked their psychiatrist to have me committed. I met briefly with the doc and told him, since he knew aboutt he abuse and didn't report it, I would have his license. I had nearly perfect attendance, was active in church and was not the "bad" kid they could justify putting me away in the mental hospital. I have been asked when the anxiety developed. It has always been there. It hit when I had B, my oldest daughter. It was a difficult pregnancy (like all mine were), she was very sick at birth and I had to go back to work when she was just five weeks old (her dad was not working and we needed the health benefits). I used to be very independent about driving. The anxiety got worse and worse. Perhaps it was a post partum thing, I don't know. Now it is almost the third (if not third) year anniversary of my nmother dumping me. Maybe four years now. Either way, I am about 45 minutes from her. My girls aren't here anymore. Son is here but an issue. I had such high hopes for this year. All three kids here, an intact family. Blown to hell. I try to look at the plus on this but it is hard.

Not blogging at all

I don't think I am meant to be a daily blogger. Since this is my 'adoption" blog maybe I don't have enough material to blog about. A big thing is happening. I am getting married in less than a month on my birthday. Like many adoptees my birthday has been a huge issue for me. The bigger day has been my gotcha day just five days after my bday. Its the day my amother wanted to use as my bday. This year my bday is 12/12/12. I had joked for a few years about making a huge deal out of this one. Well this time I will be getting married, for the third time. I am a strong believer in committment. C is also. Just "living together" is not enough for us. Marriage is the real deal. People talk about it being just a "piece of paper". Well that piece of paper changed my identity when I was adopted that piece of paper matters. Marriage to me shows the world that I am committed to the other person and we are serious. It may sound traditional to others but I am glad that C and I think the same way. We talkd about getting married but he came out and asked me to decide on a day. Yes I am changing my name to his. It means a great deal to him. This was a huge topic for us. I am agreeing to it, he is not forcing it and I am choosing to do it. So I will have another name but this is of my choosing.

Missed another post....

I work in insurance. My boss has had some clients since she started out 25 plus years ago. The job is about relationships and knowing enough about people to help them. A is stage four cancer survivor. He visits or calls a bit. Yesterday he came by (he's an older man, in his 60s, and a dapper dresser). He had come from a co-workers daughter's funeral. Girl was 22 years old, drug overdose. He said she always seemed happy. He then mentioned his coworker and her husband "took in" her sister's daughter and raised her as "their own". Bio mom was a druggie and prostitute and chose not to be in her daughter's life. Then A adds "maybe knowing her mother was around and didn't want to see her caused this. Maybe she couldn't get over it, not having that tie". He actually understood that the "primal wound" could cut so deep. The bio mom showed up briefly at the funeral. I told A I was adopted and understood.

Election Eve

So many candidates want to deny access to abortion and birth control. The lack of safe abortion or birth control is what led to many of us being born and adopted out. The anti abortion/ pro adoption movement go hand in hand. I want my daughters to have the same rights I have had. People cringe when they hear adoptees say they would have rather been aborted because of the pain adoption has caused. Whether or not you would choose an abortion, don't deny that right from another woman. Adoption in many ways is a crime against women committed by women. Keep options, real options and choices available.

Oops... didn't post on Saturday

Not a very successful start to NaBloPoMo. I am enjoying my first "real" weekend in my new place (boyfriend's place). No kids to worry about (ignored Ed and his pleas to use my car). Got one call from B. No demands on me though. It is an odd feeling. The kids would sometimes go (or have lived with their grandparents). Caitlin has been to visit before we moved, but never for more than a few weeks. Her visit in the summer was six weeks and the longest we had been apart. I still had B here though (and Ed). Today, no calls or texts until late afternoon. Guess who needs the spare key to his place, fine I put it under the mat. They who calls (over ten times) and texts he NEEDS my car and HAS TO HAVE IT. I should take the bus in the morning, not him taking it to get around. His friends have a car he could have borrowed to get the key but NO. He has lied and told them the car was HIS. SO after a long conversation (argument), I stood fast. I am glad CD is sleeping and not having to endure this drama.

Grief

My amother passed away in 2005, the same week as my evil grandmother. C's mother passed away recently and I went with him to her services. There were none for my amother. She had no friends, I had cut ties with her, abro took care of her out of duty, and asis didn't want to be the only one there. There were no services for my afather either. Not even the usual military burial. The night before the services (and after the viewing) we went to C's parents' home. Several siblings and spouses and kids were there. We spent time looking through pictures and I enjoyed listening to the banter and stories. I am the "newbie" so it was fun putting faces and names together. The evening also reinforced how fractured my afamily is. Usually families unite when there is a death, especially the death of a parent. The last time the three of us was together was around 1980. My amother destroyed most pictures (especially those of me) when my aps got divorced. There will never be a time for the three of us to sit around and reminice. This got me to thinking about my ndad's funeral (morbid). He is still estranged from Paul and has tried again to reach out to him. Sherri (his adopted stepdaughter) and he have mended things. Sherri is now staying with him. There is still no contact with his two kids from the first marriage. So what will happen? I know Paul would show up, but will not want me there. Afterwards, when he and Sherri look at pictures and tell stories, I will be left out. Once again on the outside looking in.

NaBloPoMo trying it again

In addition to it being National Blog Post Month, November is Adoption Awareness month. The baby sellers are in full force to promote adoption and family separation. Ugh! Yet more changes have occured in my life. Ed has probation and both girls have moved back to Hawaii. I have moved in with my boyfriend/fiance C. I haven't lived with anyone other than the kids for two years and this is a big transition for both of us. He is neat and organized and I'm....not. Things are strained with ndad and his wife. M has shown her bad side and ndad is stuck in the middle. My sister S (ndad's adopted step daughter) is staying with them. Her marriage fell apart and she worked for her soon to be ex. So here I am the "real" kid being pushed aside/ignored for her. Support has been lacking from ndad. Lots of changes. Again.